I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
