Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
