: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Randomize
