I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
