Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
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I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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