btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
