How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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