Already got asked if we're dating
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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