What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
