He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
