i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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