for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dignity is for republicans.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
