In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
