i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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