I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize