I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
