How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So much rum. So many feels.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize