I think i sorta joined a cult last night
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
