Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
