Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
