My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize