i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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