Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
