i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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