ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
