I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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