Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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