Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
