Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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