32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
