I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
