capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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