There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
