I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
