A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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