booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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