i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
