Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
