Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
