i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
worst night to have a conscience
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
