What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
