wrigley field is MILF paradise
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
