Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
