Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just gift wrapped bread.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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