I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
