dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
