you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
