youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
