Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
