I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
