First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
