Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
