The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
