ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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